How to Enjoy the Bowl Games

Grown-ups in America used to have a lot of fun. They used to drink martinis at lunch and smoke cigarettes in the office. They used to drive these great big and very unsafe cars with huge engines and soft seats. They used to hold cocktail parties, sing Christmas carols, and play cards with their friends. They used to stop work at five o'clock, come home on a nice summer evening, and throw steaks on the grill. They used to take two-week vacations where they would drive their family across the country in their giant station wagons. They used to fall asleep in church, and take naps on the weekend.

These privileges were claimed by the so-called Greatest Generation on the grounds that, by goodness, they had won WWII and they were entitled to live as they wanted. Ever since the 1970's, however, the inherent puritanism of American life has re-asserted itself, and one by one the joys of mid-century life have disappeared. Most importantly, our whole attitude toward life has changed. It is almost impossible for a modern American grown-up to justify anything on the grounds that it is "fun." Everything must have a larger purpose, and anything that exists for fun is suspect.

And that explains, I think, why the Gen-X sportswriters hate the Bowl Games so much. The Bowls exist for two reasons: they are fun and they make money. To the typical Gen-X sportswriter, such frivolity is intolerable. Their puritanism makes it difficult to justify sports at all -- which is why they prefer to write about scandals, lock-outs, and other non-sports-related activities -- and they certainly cannot justify anything so obviously frivolous as a Bowl Game.

But maybe you are a rebel. Maybe you have sighed with longing for the guilt-free pleasures enjoyed by Don Draper and his friends on Mad Men. Maybe you just like mid-century culture, and want to participate in a ritual that once had great resonance for suburban America. After all, the next six months will be full of "meaningful" games in the NFL, NBA, and NHL ("If the Predators can win tonight, they will clinch the all-important seven seed in the Conference Playoffs . . . ") And it's the holiday season. So why not enjoy some meaningless games?

Assuming that you are willing to set aside the usual dreary puritanism that clogs up our three-day weekends -- ("Don't forget to set up that 401K . . . Now would be a good time to check your tires . . . Schedule that dentist appointment . . . What's your fitness routine?") -- here is how you can enjoy the Bowl Games:

First, you should have skipped all the bowl games up to this point, with the possible exception of FSU's 18-14 win over Notre Dame a few days ago. Above all, you should feel no guilt over missing Boise State's bowl -- or, indeed, over anything having to do with Boise State or any other school. Remember, the Bowl season isn't about fairness, it's about Fun and Money.

Second, you shouldn't feel obliged to watch any game you don't want to. Pay no heed to the announcer who tells you that this or that game -- up to and including the so-called BCS Championship Game between LSU and Alabama -- is "meaningful." Watch only the games that seem like fun, and stop watching them whenever you want. You shouldn't even feel obliged to follow my recommendations.

Third, don't worry about the silly sponsor names they have for Bowl Games. Sure, it's annoying, but many aspects of capitalism are annoying. And besides, you don't have to use the names if you don't want to -- nobody's paying you.

Fourth, you should probably pick a conference to root for or against. Given all of the attention given to the SEC these days, I would advise you to cheer for or against all of the SEC schools. Again, you shouldn't get too worked up about this cause -- unless doing so makes you happy.

Fifth, start tonight with the Peach Bowl (it has a sponsor name but I won't use it) between Virginia and Auburn. The Tigers have great fans and usually play close and dramatic bowl games. It's Saturday night; order a pizza and settle in for the game.

Sixth, don't watch too many NFL games tomorrow -- you don't want to burn out on football. Personally, I'm going to take a nap tomorrow afternoon, and probably just watch the fourth quarter of the Giants-Cowboys game.

Seventh, watch the Rose Parade on Monday. This is possibly the single most frivolous event in America, and it is great fun. Pay real attention. Talk to the other people in your house about which is the best band, which team has the best cheerleaders, and whether the floats were judged correctly. (I watch on HGTV, because their coverage is commercial free.)

Eighth, flip around during the early games Monday afternoon. Don't worry about getting locked into any particular game. Only watch the ones that turn out to be close.

Ninth, eat your black-eyed peas (for good luck in the New Year) while you watch the Rose Bowl. Think about how beautiful Pasadena is and how cool it would be to live in a place with such great weather on New Year's Day. Feel free to do other stuff in the second half if Oregon runs up a big lead on Wisconsin. Then watch some of the Stanford-Oklahoma State Fiesta Bowl to see if Andrew Luck is really the next great NFL quarterback.

Tenth, feel free to skip any of the remaining bowls -- if they wanted you to watch, they should have played them on January 2d. Personally, I will watch the Orange Bowl between Clemson and West Virginia, because that will decide the Unofficial College Football Championship. And I'm looking forward to the LSU/Alabama game on January 9 -- if you're in the habit of watching Monday Night Football, that might be a good fit for you.

Finally, if you know people at work or school who get really excited about a particular college football team, be sure to talk to them about how their team did. Agree with anything they say about their coach, their players, the officiating, or the outcome. It'll be fun.