Justin Timberlake comes out to give some pointless animated award and immediately demonstrates that he would have been a better host than James Franco. Justin may not be the world's greatest actor -- although, if you saw The Social Network, you know he's pretty good -- but he is accustomed to performing live, and he knows how to ad lib and how to play to the audience in front of him.
Best Animated Short went to a movie I've never heard of, and whose name I don't remember. Best Animated Feature went to Toy Story 3. (And yes, I typed that sentence before they actually announced the award.)
OK, here's the screenplay awards. These are my favorite categories. I usually think that the movies with the best screenplays are the best movies. Also, the writers usually make good speeches -- because they know how to write.
Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Aaron Sorkin for "The Social Network." This makes me extremely happy because I think this is one of the great screenplays of all time. Also, Sorkin beat out the Coen Brothers, which is never easy.
Best Original Screenplay goes to The King's Speech, which is also brilliant.
As a former History major, I am obliged to point out that both "The Social Network" and "The King's Speech" are based on actual historical events, and both are wildly inaccurate in their portrayal of that history. But, as Hollywood told us many years ago, when facts contradict legend, you print the legend.
Best Foreign Language Film goes to Denmark for "In a Better World." I've never heard of this film, but 10 years from now I'm sure it will turn up in the Criterion Collection.
Reese Witherspoon -- the rich man's Anne Hathaway -- comes out to give the award for Best Supporting Actor. It goes to the extraordinarily-talented Christian Bale for "The Fighter."
Now the head of the Academy and an executive from ABC has come onstage to tell us that the Awards will be on ABC through the year 2020. I'm really happy we cleared that up.
Now we have Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman to give us an all-Aussie team to present the award for Best Original Score. We get excerpts from "Star Wars," "Lawrence of Arabia," "E.T.," and "West Side Story" -- all of which have better scores than any movie produced this year.
I'm appalled to learn that "True Grit" was not nominated in this category, because I thought it had the best score of the year.
In fact, the award goes to "The Social Network," which was far and away the best score among the films nominated. The award goes to Trent Reznor, who used to be in Nine Inch Nails.
Scarlett Johannson and Matthew McConnehy (I have no idea how to spell his name) come out to give the award for Best Sound Mixing. It goes to "Inception," which is doing quite well tonight.
Now on to Best Sound Editing. Some years the Academy tries to explain the difference in the various sound categories, but this is not one of those years. The award also goes to "Inception," so maybe the difference isn't all that important.
Oh, boy, it's the technical awards. Every year, the engineers in Hollywood have their own ceremony at which, I am sure, nerd humor predominates. Every year, one starlet is chosen to host these awards, because why would the engineers want to spend the evening being roasted by some guy. This year Marisa Tomei drew the short straw, and I hope the engineers were quite pleased.
Now Cate Blanchett is giving out the makeup award, which goes to "The Wolfman." I'm pretty sure this movie was a complete flop, but apparently it wasn't for lack of good makeup.
On to Best Costume Design, another of my favorite categories. This one goes to "Alice in Wonderland."
Personally, I was very impressed by the costumes in "The Social Network," but movies about computer nerds and lawyers don't get as much respect in this category as you would think.
Now Barack Obama appears in a montage of people naming their favorite movie songs. His poll-tested suggestion is "As Time Goes by."
Kevin Spacey comes out, and quickly shows that he would also be a better host than James Franco.
He introduces Randy Newman, who makes his annual Oscar performance playing whatever Randy Newman song he wrote for a Pixar movie this year. Apparently this one was for "Toy Story 3." It's no "Short People."
Next up is a song from "Tangled," which Disney has indicated will be the last fairy tale animation it makes for a long time. This song sounds exactly like what the primary duo at a first-class megachurch in Dallas would sing for the special Easter morning service.
Amy Adams and Jake Gyllendaal (sp?) come out to give awards for short films. I have no idea who wins, and I don't really care. All my life, the Academy has been taking up time with these awards for short films, and they never explain where you could see the films. Who funds these films? Who watches them? Why does someone decide to make a short film instead of a longer film? This is never explained.
Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, the best short film of all time was "Dead Zones," a movie about bus safety that I saw in the fifth grade.
Oh, cool, the guy who just won for Live Action Short Film said we can find the short films on iTunes. Good for you, guy who just won for Live Action Short Film.
OMG, it's Oprah! I don't remember her ever deigning to appear at the Oscars before, although maybe I'm wrong. She instantly shows why she would be a better choice to host the awards than James Franco or Anne Hathaway.
OK, Oprah is here to provide some gravitas to the Award for Best Documentary, which I'm sure will go to some movie that makes us feel better about American life.
Oh, I take that back, the documentaries this year appear to be somewhat grim. The winner is "Inside Job," which is apparently about the banking crisis. Let's hope for an angry speech by the winners.
Yeah! The winning guy starts off by complaining that no one has gone to jail for the "fraud" that led to the financial crisis.
Oh, but then the winners move quickly to thanking the Academy. WEAK! PHONIES! SELL-OUTS!!! STAND UP TO THE MAN, YOU FAKES!
Billy Crystal, who actually did used to host the Oscars, comes out. He's also better than James Franco and Anne Hathaway, even though he now looks amazingly like Bea Arthur.
Crystal then introduces a montage of Bob Hope, the purpose of which is to remind us that the Academy Awards used to be much sharper and funnier than it is now.
By the magic of technology, Hope introduces Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law. They have a lot more chemistry than James Franco and Anne Hathaway, and they give the award for Visual Effects to "Inception," which defeats "Alice in Wonderland" in a head-to-head showdown between the two technical powerhouses.
Now the award for Film Editing, which is important because it involves all of the main competitors for Best Picture. The award goes to "The Social Network," which is quietly having a good night.
Now it's back to Best Song. Here's a song from "127 Hours," which is basically a really bad cross between a rip-off of Enya and a rip-off of the soundtrack from "The Lion King." Man, this is awful.
Now Gwynneth Paltrow is out to do one of her country songs from "Country Strong" (which got a score of 20 percent on Rotten Tomatoes). It sounds like a really bad Miley Cyrus song.
None of these songs deserve an Academy Award, but the award goes to Randy Newman. I think that makes a lot of sense. This song wasn't very good, but we all like Randy Newman, and he almost never wins.
Here's Mrs. GoHeath's favorite part, the tribute to everyone who died in the last year. I take particular notice of Tony Curtis, Blake Edwards, Leslie Nielsen, Dennis Hopper, and Patricia Neal.
Now we get Hillary Swank, who used to be a big star a long time ago. She introduces that woman who used to be married to James Cameron and who won for Best Director last year. She's here to give out Best Director, which usually goes to the winner of Best Picture. This year, the award goes to Tom Hooper for "The King's Speech," which strongly indicates that the Best Picture award is heading to London.
For the record, I am stunned that anyone believes that "The King's Speech" is a better movie than "The Social Network" or "True Grit." It's a professional, very well done British movie. But it's sickly sweet and extremely predictable. It's basically a poor man's "Shakespeare in Love," and when was the last time you popped that movie in the DVD?
Annette Benning, who I think of as that tramp in "The Grifters," but who now apparently counts as some sort of Hollywood royalty, comes out to tell us about something called the Governor's Awards, which are apparently a lifetime achievement deal. Francis Ford Coppola and Eli Wallach -- two people who have given me a great deal of joy down through the years -- both won, along with some other guy. They stagger out, and we applaud, but they don't say anything.
For the record, I also thought that Eli Wallach was dead.
You know that really annoying couple that are always hugging each other and giggling over inside jokes that no one else gets? That's basically James Franco and Anne Hathaway.
Now Jeff Bridges comes out to introduce the nominees for Best Actress. He gives little speeches to each nominee, which is very odd. Anyway, this award is supposed to go to Natalie Portman -- and it does.
I haven't seen "The Black Swan," and maybe she was great in it. But to me, she will always be Princess Amidala, and she was terrible in that role. So I can't take her very seriously.
And here comes Sandra Bullock -- who apparently won the Best Actress award last year -- to give out the award for Best Actor. Like Jeff Bridges, she has to make little speeches to each nominee, which is just ridiculous.
This award was always going to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech," and it probably should. He's a truly great actor and he deserves to win.
Having said that, I thought the best performance of the year was by Jesse Eisenberg, who was a great, great nerd as Mark Zuckerberg. I really loved the distinction he made in Zuckerberg's character before and after he became successful.
OK, so now Steven Spielberg will come out to give the Best Picture Award to "The King's Speech," and we can all go home.
I cannot remember a more predictable year for the Academy Awards. I have paid only a very slight amount of attention to the Oscar buzz, and I knew who was going to win every major award.
Spielberg points out that "The Graduate," "Raging Bull," and "Citizen Kane" all lost the Academy Award for best picture.
Now they're doing a montage of the movies, with a voiceover from "The King's Speech," and it occurs to me that Beethoven should get a lot of credit for that movie's success. They played the key speech over the second movement of Beethoven's Seventh Symphony, which is one of the greatest accomplishments of Western culture, and which no one can resist.
James Franco and Anne Hathaway? Really?
ReplyDeleteTom Hanks gives the award for Best Art Direction. It goes to "Alice in Wonderland."
ReplyDeleteTom Hanks also gives the award for Best Cinematography. It goes to "Inception."
ReplyDeleteThey just introduced Kirk Douglas, who I honestly believed had died about five years ago.
ReplyDeleteJames Franco always looks as though he's about to accuse Spiderman of killing his dad.
After an extraordinarily long time, Kirk Douglas gives the Best Supporting Actress award to Melissa Leo for "The Fighter."
ReplyDeleteI think Anne Hathaway may be drunk, by the way.
ReplyDeleteJustin Timberlake comes out to give some pointless animated award and immediately demonstrates that he would have been a better host than James Franco. Justin may not be the world's greatest actor -- although, if you saw The Social Network, you know he's pretty good -- but he is accustomed to performing live, and he knows how to ad lib and how to play to the audience in front of him.
ReplyDeleteBest Animated Short went to a movie I've never heard of, and whose name I don't remember. Best Animated Feature went to Toy Story 3. (And yes, I typed that sentence before they actually announced the award.)
ReplyDeleteOK, here's the screenplay awards. These are my favorite categories. I usually think that the movies with the best screenplays are the best movies. Also, the writers usually make good speeches -- because they know how to write.
ReplyDeleteBest Adapted Screenplay goes to Aaron Sorkin for "The Social Network." This makes me extremely happy because I think this is one of the great screenplays of all time. Also, Sorkin beat out the Coen Brothers, which is never easy.
Best Original Screenplay goes to The King's Speech, which is also brilliant.
As a former History major, I am obliged to point out that both "The Social Network" and "The King's Speech" are based on actual historical events, and both are wildly inaccurate in their portrayal of that history. But, as Hollywood told us many years ago, when facts contradict legend, you print the legend.
Now Anne Hathaway is singing a song against Hugh Jackman, which apparently relates to some inside joke to which I am not privy.
ReplyDeleteAnd now James Franco has walked on stage dressed as Marylin Monroe. The laughs just keep coming.
ReplyDeleteBest Foreign Language Film goes to Denmark for "In a Better World." I've never heard of this film, but 10 years from now I'm sure it will turn up in the Criterion Collection.
ReplyDeleteReese Witherspoon -- the rich man's Anne Hathaway -- comes out to give the award for Best Supporting Actor. It goes to the extraordinarily-talented Christian Bale for "The Fighter."
ReplyDeleteNow the head of the Academy and an executive from ABC has come onstage to tell us that the Awards will be on ABC through the year 2020. I'm really happy we cleared that up.
ReplyDeleteNow we have Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman to give us an all-Aussie team to present the award for Best Original Score. We get excerpts from "Star Wars," "Lawrence of Arabia," "E.T.," and "West Side Story" -- all of which have better scores than any movie produced this year.
ReplyDeleteI'm appalled to learn that "True Grit" was not nominated in this category, because I thought it had the best score of the year.
In fact, the award goes to "The Social Network," which was far and away the best score among the films nominated. The award goes to Trent Reznor, who used to be in Nine Inch Nails.
Scarlett Johannson and Matthew McConnehy (I have no idea how to spell his name) come out to give the award for Best Sound Mixing. It goes to "Inception," which is doing quite well tonight.
ReplyDeleteNow on to Best Sound Editing. Some years the Academy tries to explain the difference in the various sound categories, but this is not one of those years. The award also goes to "Inception," so maybe the difference isn't all that important.
ReplyDeleteOh, boy, it's the technical awards. Every year, the engineers in Hollywood have their own ceremony at which, I am sure, nerd humor predominates. Every year, one starlet is chosen to host these awards, because why would the engineers want to spend the evening being roasted by some guy. This year Marisa Tomei drew the short straw, and I hope the engineers were quite pleased.
ReplyDeleteNow Cate Blanchett is giving out the makeup award, which goes to "The Wolfman." I'm pretty sure this movie was a complete flop, but apparently it wasn't for lack of good makeup.
ReplyDeleteOn to Best Costume Design, another of my favorite categories. This one goes to "Alice in Wonderland."
ReplyDeletePersonally, I was very impressed by the costumes in "The Social Network," but movies about computer nerds and lawyers don't get as much respect in this category as you would think.
Now Barack Obama appears in a montage of people naming their favorite movie songs. His poll-tested suggestion is "As Time Goes by."
ReplyDeleteKevin Spacey comes out, and quickly shows that he would also be a better host than James Franco.
He introduces Randy Newman, who makes his annual Oscar performance playing whatever Randy Newman song he wrote for a Pixar movie this year. Apparently this one was for "Toy Story 3." It's no "Short People."
Next up is a song from "Tangled," which Disney has indicated will be the last fairy tale animation it makes for a long time. This song sounds exactly like what the primary duo at a first-class megachurch in Dallas would sing for the special Easter morning service.
Amy Adams and Jake Gyllendaal (sp?) come out to give awards for short films. I have no idea who wins, and I don't really care. All my life, the Academy has been taking up time with these awards for short films, and they never explain where you could see the films. Who funds these films? Who watches them? Why does someone decide to make a short film instead of a longer film? This is never explained.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, as far as I'm concerned, the best short film of all time was "Dead Zones," a movie about bus safety that I saw in the fifth grade.
Oh, cool, the guy who just won for Live Action Short Film said we can find the short films on iTunes. Good for you, guy who just won for Live Action Short Film.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you can find "Dead Zones" on iTunes.
ReplyDeleteOMG, it's Oprah! I don't remember her ever deigning to appear at the Oscars before, although maybe I'm wrong. She instantly shows why she would be a better choice to host the awards than James Franco or Anne Hathaway.
ReplyDeleteOK, Oprah is here to provide some gravitas to the Award for Best Documentary, which I'm sure will go to some movie that makes us feel better about American life.
Oh, I take that back, the documentaries this year appear to be somewhat grim. The winner is "Inside Job," which is apparently about the banking crisis. Let's hope for an angry speech by the winners.
Yeah! The winning guy starts off by complaining that no one has gone to jail for the "fraud" that led to the financial crisis.
Oh, but then the winners move quickly to thanking the Academy. WEAK! PHONIES! SELL-OUTS!!! STAND UP TO THE MAN, YOU FAKES!
Billy Crystal, who actually did used to host the Oscars, comes out. He's also better than James Franco and Anne Hathaway, even though he now looks amazingly like Bea Arthur.
ReplyDeleteCrystal then introduces a montage of Bob Hope, the purpose of which is to remind us that the Academy Awards used to be much sharper and funnier than it is now.
By the magic of technology, Hope introduces Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law. They have a lot more chemistry than James Franco and Anne Hathaway, and they give the award for Visual Effects to "Inception," which defeats "Alice in Wonderland" in a head-to-head showdown between the two technical powerhouses.
Now the award for Film Editing, which is important because it involves all of the main competitors for Best Picture. The award goes to "The Social Network," which is quietly having a good night.
ReplyDeleteNow it's back to Best Song. Here's a song from "127 Hours," which is basically a really bad cross between a rip-off of Enya and a rip-off of the soundtrack from "The Lion King." Man, this is awful.
ReplyDeleteNow Gwynneth Paltrow is out to do one of her country songs from "Country Strong" (which got a score of 20 percent on Rotten Tomatoes). It sounds like a really bad Miley Cyrus song.
None of these songs deserve an Academy Award, but the award goes to Randy Newman. I think that makes a lot of sense. This song wasn't very good, but we all like Randy Newman, and he almost never wins.
Bravo, GoHeath. This is really great. Sorry I'm tuning in to your run only now.
ReplyDeleteHere's Mrs. GoHeath's favorite part, the tribute to everyone who died in the last year. I take particular notice of Tony Curtis, Blake Edwards, Leslie Nielsen, Dennis Hopper, and Patricia Neal.
ReplyDeleteThat's my favorite part, too.
ReplyDeleteHalle Berry comes out to tell us that Lena Horne, who also died last year, was a trailblazer and that we will never forget her.
ReplyDeleteThen we get a brief clip of Lena Horne doing "Stormy Weather." So far, this number and Bob Hope's jokes have been the best parts of the show.
Now we get Hillary Swank, who used to be a big star a long time ago. She introduces that woman who used to be married to James Cameron and who won for Best Director last year. She's here to give out Best Director, which usually goes to the winner of Best Picture. This year, the award goes to Tom Hooper for "The King's Speech," which strongly indicates that the Best Picture award is heading to London.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I am stunned that anyone believes that "The King's Speech" is a better movie than "The Social Network" or "True Grit." It's a professional, very well done British movie. But it's sickly sweet and extremely predictable. It's basically a poor man's "Shakespeare in Love," and when was the last time you popped that movie in the DVD?
Annette Benning, who I think of as that tramp in "The Grifters," but who now apparently counts as some sort of Hollywood royalty, comes out to tell us about something called the Governor's Awards, which are apparently a lifetime achievement deal. Francis Ford Coppola and Eli Wallach -- two people who have given me a great deal of joy down through the years -- both won, along with some other guy. They stagger out, and we applaud, but they don't say anything.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I also thought that Eli Wallach was dead.
You know that really annoying couple that are always hugging each other and giggling over inside jokes that no one else gets? That's basically James Franco and Anne Hathaway.
ReplyDeleteNow Jeff Bridges comes out to introduce the nominees for Best Actress. He gives little speeches to each nominee, which is very odd. Anyway, this award is supposed to go to Natalie Portman -- and it does.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen "The Black Swan," and maybe she was great in it. But to me, she will always be Princess Amidala, and she was terrible in that role. So I can't take her very seriously.
GO, JENNIFER LAWRENCE!
ReplyDeleteWhat a rip.
ReplyDeleteAnd here comes Sandra Bullock -- who apparently won the Best Actress award last year -- to give out the award for Best Actor. Like Jeff Bridges, she has to make little speeches to each nominee, which is just ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteThis award was always going to Colin Firth for "The King's Speech," and it probably should. He's a truly great actor and he deserves to win.
Having said that, I thought the best performance of the year was by Jesse Eisenberg, who was a great, great nerd as Mark Zuckerberg. I really loved the distinction he made in Zuckerberg's character before and after he became successful.
OK, so now Steven Spielberg will come out to give the Best Picture Award to "The King's Speech," and we can all go home.
ReplyDeleteI cannot remember a more predictable year for the Academy Awards. I have paid only a very slight amount of attention to the Oscar buzz, and I knew who was going to win every major award.
Spielberg points out that "The Graduate," "Raging Bull," and "Citizen Kane" all lost the Academy Award for best picture.
ReplyDeleteNow they're doing a montage of the movies, with a voiceover from "The King's Speech," and it occurs to me that Beethoven should get a lot of credit for that movie's success. They played the key speech over the second movement of Beethoven's Seventh Symphony, which is one of the greatest accomplishments of Western culture, and which no one can resist.
Given that "The King's Speech" was the only movie from which we heard any dialogue, it is not surprising that it does, indeed, win.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's all from Hollywood. Good night, and let's all keep watching movies!