Number 1 Son Goes to the Mall

Another guest post from my Number 1 son (who just turned 17 years old):

There are many differences between guys and girls. One of these differences has to do with shopping. Now, if you have been to Nordstrom's, you may have noticed that the women's clothes are not in the same part of the store as the men's clothes. You may also notice that there are no men inside the women's section of the store. Thie is because that to enter the women's section means that YOU ARE NO LONGER A MAN!!! (Well, technically, that's not true -- but it's still very uncomfortable. I mean, seriously, what guy wants to enter the women's clothing section? Don't answer that.)

Anyway, the stores know that many men are uncomfortable in the women's section, and so the really nice stores like Nordstrom's cater to their male patrons with little seating areas for men just on the edges of the women's section. You may have seen these. They are carpeted, they have some very nice, poofy chairs, and they are filled with men pretending that they don't actually exist. This is because all of the men sitting in those chairs are worried that his buddies will catch him sitting outside the women's clothing section. You can imagine the conversation: "Oh, hey, Bob, I see you're sitting outside the WOMEN'S CLOTHING SECTION. Well, you have fun with that. While you're sitting here, I'm going to buy a TV THE SIZE OF YOUR CAR!"

To avoid this type of humiliation, the men sitting next to the women's clothing sections slump way down in the chairs and give off a look as if they will kill the first person who tries to make eye contact with them.

But the women's clothing section isn't the only troubling part of Nordstrom's. A lot of guys have a problem with any effort to shop for clothes that requires any decision more complicated than "T shirts are here, jeans are there, have a nice day." At Nordstrom's, for example, in order to buy any clothes, you HAVE TO TRY THEM ON!

Now, you may think, "What is trying on clothes such a big deal?" Well, you see, a lot of guys find the idea of going into a store, taking clothes that someone else has tried on, taking your own clothes off, putting the new ones on, looking in a mirror, and then changing back into your original clothes, is absolutely repulsive.

In fact, this can be seen at an early age and many male children are scarred for life at a young age. Seriously, think about it. You're maybe five years old, sitting around the house, when your mom tells you that you're going to the mall. Instantly, your five-year-old brain lights up: THE MALL. Images of Legos, toys, games, and every other conceivable form of entertainment that can be purchased at a store come into your head, and you believe that this could actually be the greatest day of your life. But when you get to the mall there are no toys, no Legos, no video games. Instead, your mom informs you that you are there TO TRY ON PANTS. Now when a typical five-year-old boy learns that his trip to buy Legos has turned into an afternoon of trying on pants, a single thought goes through his head:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

To this day, I have the same mental reaction whenever I'm asked to try something on.

There are other differences between guys and girls. For instance, compared to girls, guys are apparently colorblind. Seriously, we only see a handful of colors -- red, green, blue, and so on. Except for orange, we aren't really aware of colors that are named after real world objects. To me, "cranberry" is not a color; it's a fruit.

There are also some "colors" that I think must have been made up, because I'm not sure what they are even supposed to be. At least with something like "cranberry," a guy can figure out what the color is supposed to be. But "puce"? "Periwinkle"? "Chartreuse"? To this day, I have no idea what "puce" is supposed to be, and I only know periwinkle and chartreuse because they have been pointed out to me. (To me, by the way, they are simply "light blue" and "yellowish green.")

Some people may think that the whole color issue proves that guys have brains that are not as well-developed as girls' brains, but this is not really true. We simply devote our brainpower to other topics, such as video games, sports, and TV's the size of cars.

I gotta get me one of those.