A Post from GoHeath's Number 1 Son

This is a guest post from my number one son:

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGEE!!!!!!

My family does not suffer from road rage. We prefer to yell at things that are not capable of killing us. So we take out our anger on glowing rectangles of varying sizes. I call this "Screen Rage." Screen Rage typically manifests itself in one of three forms: Sports Rage, Stupid Rage, and Game Rage.

Sports Rage stems from the fact that the person on the couch watching a game from 100 miles away obviously knows more than the players, coaches, assistant coaches, water boys, and referees combined, and that the game would be going much better if the spectator could just do the whole thing himself. Unfortunately, this superhuman knowledge /athletic prowess tends to disappear as soon as the ragee gets off the couch -- which is why sports remains for the young. Common symptoms of Sports Rage include screaming at the people on the screen, throwing things, and a general belief that all sports people are complete and total idiots.

Stupid Rage is a widespread malady that affects everyone who tries to use a computer. Stupid Rage comes from the fact that computers are stupid. They slow down, they stop responding, they refuse to do whatever you want to do. Typically, the only reason you do not destroy your computer -- or at least snap your keyboard in half -- is for economic reasons or necessity. (A subset of Stupid Rage is Loading Rage, which also applies to the TV. This occurs when something takes a year to load. The worst of this is when you reboot your satellite TV system and it blazes through 99 percent of what it is supposed to load before freezing on the last 1 percent. What makes this even worse is that often the TV will say only "1 second remains.") What also contributes to Stupid Rage, both on the TV and the computer, is what I call the "Idiot Sound." This is that annoying "duhn" or beeping or other annoying sound that the screen spits at you every time you press the wrong button.

The final kind of Screen Rage is Game Rage. This usually sets in after one has died in a video game. Obviously, it was not the player's fault because he is the greatest gamer who ever lived. Therefore, one of a few explanations must be true: (1) the game hates you and is cheating to make you lose; (2) the game thinks you are too good and is cheating so you lose; or (3) you have hit some sort of recurring glitch that always happens in a crucial and difficult part of the game. Naturally, since your game either hates you or is broken, you get angry very fast, and will soon fly into a rage.

I think Game Rage is the most violent form of Screen Rage, as I have seen and done many of the following: throwing the DS/Gameboy, taking out the game and throwing it, throwing the game controller, pounding on the console violently with both fists, threatening to do horrible things to the console, throwing the closest expensive thing, and squeezing the controller with such murderous rage that it's a wonder the controller doesn't turn into dust in the process.

One thing I have to wonder about is what exactly did my ancestors and the ancestors of other people who frequently experience Screen Rage yell at before there were screens? If my ancestors were anything like me -- and therefore only yelled at things that couldn't kill them -- then my guess would be trees, rocks, the grass, or any handy inanimate object. Whatever they yelled at, I'm sure they did it a lolhsslathajkl najklgjio hlisda jhklonj

Stupid keyboard.