A Message from SmartMom for the Beginning of the School Year

Somewhere between Goodnight Moon and AP Physics lies the perilous land of the Dread School Projects. They attack by ambush and often in packs, and while a seasonal pattern usually prevails, late outliers are a perpetual danger. Tread carefully here, friends, for much sleep has been lost and many gray hairs gained for the sake of making education fun. Before the DSP is done, you will question the meaning of life, whether French-Canadian-American has one hyphen or two, and if grits really count as an ethnic food.

Unless you are truly canny and can sense impending disaster, the afternoon of the Start of the DSP seems so pleasant. The year or the quarter has begun satisfactorily; no one has lost his lunch box in a week, and homework was actually completed on time last night. This is the calm before the storm, an easy trap for the complacent. You may not bask in the accomplishment that your child finally concedes that 6*3 and 3*6 really are 18 every time, not just on odd Thursdays. You are about to meet a mighty foe, cleverly concealed as a piece of paper in your child's backpack.

As you pull it out, you see the words "interests" and "family," maybe even "special" or "creativity." Do not be deceived; these words are to lull you into a false sense of security. This kind of feint is common in the Dreaded Getting to Know You School Project. After all, how can one get one's own biography wrong? It's not like the teacher can grade on content: "No, I'm sorry; the Awesome Family Trip took place in 2007, not 2006. I had to take points off; try to be careful about dates next time." The lack of content, however, raises the stakes on execution, and if you cannot build a box kite whose panels represent the individual members of the family, then you may be in trouble.

The first thing to do, though, before you panic, is to determine the due date. While you may gain credit among your fellow parents for turning around a major project in two days, you will get no credit from the teacher if it is late. So, how much warning did she give you? Did she mention it on Back to School Night? Do you have all quarter? Will this count as 50% of the semester exam? Is it due this week? Also, how promptly has this missive gotten home? Many a project has faltered after a trip through the Backpack Time Warp. Depending on the delivery lag time, you may wish to register your shipping and handling complaints with your child after it is All Over, or you may have the luxury of a word to the wise now.

The next item of business is the Inventory of Materials. The hallmark of any Dreaded School Project worth the name is the use of unusual materials. You may have glitter, paint, white pillowcases, and a glue gun at the ready, but how is your supply of molasses? Perhaps now is the time to invest in that light box. Be sure to consult your child's preferences now; you do not want to learn the night before the DSP is due that your thoughtful choice of poster board has been an unforgiveable source of embarrassment for at least two years now. Color is important, too; make sure that everyone agrees on the lavender fabric before you start.

Then comes the Inventory of Expertise. Will this project require cooking, sewing, carpentry, or use of spreadsheets? How good are you at Power Point, anyway? Do you need a security clearance, or will an active or retired member of the Armed Forces do? Can you transliterate "St. Petersburg" into Cyrillic letters? Remember, you cannot create the itinerary of a flight from New York to Havana because it is illegal to fly to Cuba from the United States. Also, the early settlers of Virginia did not enter the country through Ellis Island.

Once you have gathered your materials and research, do not underestimate the time-consuming nature of formatting. If there is the slightest possibility that you will have difficulty downloading an audio file of a sound effect, it will happen now. Make sure the pirate travel brochure is three-fold and not two-fold; you don't want to lose points now. Also, check the ink cartridges on the printer before 10 P.M., and beware of the freak power outage: if you see dark clouds, you may want to print now and edit later, just to be safe.

Once the project is done, you have to let it go. You really can't hand-deliver it to the classroom; it just isn't done. Wish it well, wave it out the door with your child hidden behind its bulk, and do not call it back to fix the errant comma in the caption. Taking off work or finding a babysitter to see the presentation is a personal call, but go knowing that the die is cast. There is nothing more to do except to hope that your child is happy and that you will learn the grade before your child forgets the topic.

Someday the Dreaded School Project will come home, a shell of its former self, with no more power to terrify, to live with other vanquished projects in the basement. That day, one of the last of the school year, will be sunny and warm, and your child will have to hold the DSP because of all the other stuff coming home in his backpack. You will notice that your child does not look quite so small behind it, and you will smile a little wistfully. Then your child will run to you, answering your smile, and give you the project to carry. You will then go to the park, or you may get ice cream, but you will not open the backpack, lest you find the assignments for summer reading.